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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 26, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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let's just hope nothing like this ever happens again. probably won't, not for another year. check that, a couple days. - [gasps] dad! hey, dad! - what? - my wiener is all stiff and pointy! - oh, well, butters, that's just the friendly compass. see, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. it's pointing up, because jesus is your friend. - thanks, dad. captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> jon: welcome to the daily show, thank you very much, my name is jon stewart. we have put together a program for this very evening. our guest tonight david nassaw, author of the new book, the patriarch, the remarkable life and turbulent times of one joseph p kennedy. i threw in the" of one ". (laughter) thought it gave it a little more historical authority. but i know what you are are thinking, are you thinking where the hell you have been, what dow get ten days off for thanksgiving? what are you, a student at a boarding school? (laughter) yes, we do get ten days for thanksgiving. and no, student at a boarding school. although i do sleep in a budget bed and i am on a field hockey team. (laughter) its with a very fun week off. i spent it like i always do. i track down the turkey president obama pardoned and i brought him to justice! (laughter) just because-- (cheers and applause)
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i brought him to justice. because his powerful friends in washington pardoned him doesn't mean he won't be held accountable for those crimes, turkey! here we are back at the office. all feeling pretty relacked. you know, nothing is really more relaxing than eating a long and drawn out meal with your extended family. (laughter) people you spend all year avoiding, now they're in your house hovering in the kitchen opening drawers. (laughter) >> pitching you ideas. (laughter) for your show. jonathan, i was at the bakery, and the man in front of me said who's next? and i said take a number, you'll find out, that's wha what-- you should use that in one of your skits. (laughter) it's like seinfeld--
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(laughter) so it's a little stressful. i like black friday. a lot of people don't like black friday, the day after thanks giving. i don't like it for the shopping. i like to do it because it is a great opportunity to take out the suppressed rage that my relatives help generate inside me. and then unleash that on complete strangers. (laughter) at a best buy, you know what i mean. so they know, i didn't pin the guy from the geek squad against the wall by his neck because i really cared they were out of 50 inch plasma tvs. i pinned him there because for some reason my family thought my brother-in-law cousin should carve the turkey that i spent all day cooking because he's been struggling. you know what? let me just say this-- you cook t you kferb carve it, jeff, that's just the way it [bleep] is. (cheers and applause)
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now all i need is to get a relative named jack. no. (laughter) anyway, enough about endless intractable struggles amongst people to share similar dna. let's talk about the middle east. transition, transition. anyway, so while we were away the middle east exploded into violence, centering on the gaza strip. okay, that is-- (laughter) that is the great gazoo can we get a locater for the gaza strip, that is gaga's lips. that's not-- that is gosling stripped, that's not-- (cheers and applause) really? all right, fine, leave that up. there you go. all right. at least it's something nice
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to look at for the tough story. must be weird to be that dude. (laughter) walking into a room and people go-- aaahhhh! anyway what has been happening in the gosling strip. >> the first bus bombing in tel aviv in eight years. >> roughly 850 rockets have been fired at israel from gaza. >> a senior israeli official says israel is ready for a ground invasion. >> we know ten members of one family, also two media centers. >> that was a rather large explosion. (laughter) and a rather nonplused reaction i might add. for god's sake, anderson cooper, do you have to run towards every single danger. somebody get him out of there! tell him there's a tornado headed towards a knife store
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or something. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i think i found a way to solve this conflict. (laughter) somebody needs to surrender some holy land. take some sojourners to the dome of the [bleep]. (laughter) that's good. right off the top of the head. (laughter) all right. so the fighting began last week when hamas launched hundreds of rockets at israel which were, i guess, in retaliation for israel killing the head of hamas's military which some way was actually a retaliation for hamas holding an israeli sollier hostage for five years which might have been, i don't know retaliation for israeli settlement expansion which was in retaliation
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from what i heard-- you know also's go back to when this thing started. >> jon: this thing has got deep roots. but this go-round israel had a new trick up its sleeve. >> israel has a new tool in its multiplayer missile defense systemness with the iron dome proved itself to be very effective. >> jon: iron dome that sounds awesome. what is that, don't tell me what that is yet. just-- i'm going to see if i can figure it out myself. you see if i'm right. just tell me. >> the iron dome, israel's home group defense shield. >> the system is designed to protect populated areas, allowing nonthreatening short range missiles to drop into open fields or water and intercepting those headed for cities-- . >> jon: oh. thought it was just a yar mull can-- yarmulke.
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(applause) but missile defense system sounds pretty good too. hey, listen f anybody is interested in my design you know where to find me. here we are again, thankfully this skirmish ended before it could fulfill the myan 2012 prophecy. >> serious negotiations have resulted in a cease-fire in the middle east between israel and hamas. >> jon: you know are you in a difficult part 69 world when even the peace negotiations are furious. i'll stop shooting. >> no, i'll stop shooting! there is such a depressioning cyclical status quo where the untenable underlying conditions are never addressed. there are no winners here. or to put that a different way. >> who was the big winner do you think here? >> two clear win esches. >> who are the losers and who are the winners? (laughter) >> jon: you really miss the election, don't you? everything about the winners and losers in the horse race? even intractable bloodshed,
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just another chance to check this on whose incrementally upper incrementally down. by the way winners and losers, there what game, sandiland? (laughter) hungry hungry hebrews? or maybe it's the old family favorite monotony. where violence is a day-to-day norm. a game where angrily flipping over the board is how you start. (laughter) and don't get them started on where you can put up houses. >> you can't put up a house on baltic avenue, i own baltic avenue, spot calling it baltic avenue it's called the dark purple territories and it was given to my people before this game was even invented. now get your thimble off my schnauzer. no, no winners! >> there is a military side of this which is israel clearly won. >> jon: oh, yes, israel clearly won, israel is in great shape now. there is no wins! >> hamas emerges as a big winner from this conflict.
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>> hamas is the winner here. >> jon: so israel won. and hamas won. did i say no wins. i meant two winners. >> president obama is a winner here, netanyahu is a winner here, hillary clinton is a winner here. >> egypt is definitely emerged as the win never all of this. >> jon: did anybody lose this [bleep] thing! did anybody louis? did anybody actually lose in this bloody conflict that killed over 150 people? >> the loser in all this is mahmoud abbas. >> iran is the main loser of this conflict. >> jon: so the only two losers in the war between israel and gaza are the people who don't live in either of those places. (laughter) so the lesson here is the next time your region descends into a war you have got to be in it to win it. welt answer right c -ïx=uhr(ú'2lt:eá
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>> welcome back to the show. now-- as we've seen, the recent fighting in the middle east has threatened the peace that had briefly interrupted the previous fighting in the middle east.
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raising the question of why the region's true rule certificate leting this go on. and so god, if you would, meet me at camera 3. (laughter) dude, you show -- showed up, it's so craz ooechlt i mean i know you're everywhere. camera 1? camera 4. camera 3. dude, you're totally everywhere. i thought would you have been all glittery sunbeams and mist and stuff, don't patronize me. (laughter) now that are you actually here i'm really not sure what to say, how to begin. thank you for the moon? (laughter) and certain kinds of fish, the white flakey kind.
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the other kind, honestly i don't want to tell you how you do your business, it's a little fishy. air purifiers are neat. i'm sorry that i don't pray that much. and i should probably confess. i used to masturbate to the cover of ann margaret covers. (laughter) olivia newton john album covers, captain and tenille album. mostly to tenille although captain had his moments. (laughter) actually, if we're going to dot masturbation thing we're going to be here awhile. let's just say alphabetically everyone from abba to vicki vet.
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zsa zsa gabor, okay, once, but there isn't about me. it's about you. and your home, your holy land. you know there is a huge fight going on there. the one side says we should worship you on friday. the other says saturday. and a few other people, not that many in this particular area say sunday. i mean it's the kind of insolvingable dispute that can't help but descend into thousands of years of bloodshed. you know i'm a peacemaker, i celebrate freak end, you no what i mean? friday, saturday-- sun-- i guess it. look, i'm not asking you to solve the problem. although obviously you could easily. and it seems a little strange that you haven't. but i know, like bono says, mysterious ways. i get that you don't want to intervene in every earthly disaster, the earthquake,
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the fiscal cliff, but there is your house, whattive version of you is the correct one, they are [bleep] up your [bleep]. i don't think anyone doing the fighting realizes that. hamas shooting rockets at tel aviv that is your tv room blown to piece. israel rebombs gaza, there goes your breakfast nook. south lebanon wants to get in on the action so, much for the sun porch you just finished. and it was going to be so nice and you know there hasn't been a good carpenter in this area since-- oh-- oh-- uh-- but seriously, man, fix this, what have you been doing? disease, famine, global warming what are you doing, why won't you help us! >> after 12 undefeated games notre dame is going to their first title game since 1988. (applause) okay, that was worth it i'll give you that.
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but after the bcs drop by the mid reiss, they could use a little pick me up. rudy! rudy! yawway, ya
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wfern welcome back. my guest tonight an author, his new book is called the pat ree ark, the times of joseph p kennedy. welcome to the program david nassaw. hello, sir. how are you? >> doing well,. >> sir this book, this something right here. the patriarch. i'm going to start right in with joseph kennedy. so the biggest perhaps i guess misconception that i have is joseph kennedy's a bootlegger. joseph kennedy is one of the dukes of hazard. he made his money slinging liquor during prohibition, illegal activities. the book very meticulously says -- >> i would have been delighted had he been a bootlegger because i could have written about momoji and cannes but he wasn't. he wasn't. well, i can't say that you
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can never prove a negative but there was absolutely no evidence. i mean the people who tried to make him out as a bootlegger relied on the evidence given them by tina sinatra who heard third hand from her father that he had done this deal. al capone's piano tuner who-- . >> jon: you how do you trust al capone's piano tuner, really, have you ever heard al capone's piano, you call that a c flat, please, you're insulting. but what you did show that whether or not he was a bootlegger this man did live on the edge of what we would consider today the ethical boundaries of finance and business. >> i think one could say that. >> yes, one could say that. >> you did in many pages. but not one too many. what i thought was important about him was that when he
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had the opportunity to reform the same stock market that he had made millions and millions and millions on by short-selling, by pooling, by this and that and this and that, every insider trick, roosevelt said i want you to be secretary, i want you to be the commissioner of the securities exchange commission, he said fine. he was there for 15 months. when he left he had cleaned up so much that he could no longer trade stocks. >> yes. >> he went into real estate. >> jon: he put himself out of business. >> he put himself out of business. everything that he had done to make money was now outlawed. >> jon: it reminded me of those shows i used to get, robert wagner is a thief and now the fbi will use him to learn the tricks of the thieving. roosevelt really said to kennedy you know how to do this, dow this. it did interesting to me that the man who created what you have to say is the most beloved liberal dynasty that has ever been created
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in this country was himself an avatar of all that that establishment seeks to abolish. >> he believed in capitalism. but he also believed that unrestrained, unrestricted capitalism was going to lead to disaster. he lived through the runnup to the great depression. he knew the stock market was out of control. he pulled his money out. and then he believed that unless something was done to reign in people like him, to reign in-- (laughter) i just would have loved to have been in that meeting. >> you don't get t i'm a bad guy. i've got to stop me. him in front of a mirror. >> he did stop him and he did stop him because he now that if the country continued in that way, if the depression got worse
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than capitalism would be threatened, democracy would be threatened. his fortune would be threatened. >> jon: ultimately it was self-preservation. ultimately he understood that the reason why the bolshevik revolution, the communist revolution, those things had not taken hold in america is that we ameliorated them with certain moves that could help workers and things like that. and i almost think he saw it as a hedge bet against his own demise. >> i think so and i think he was also squared to dechlt i don't think we understand. we have been through hard times now. but i don't think we can fathom how difficult it was and how frightening it was to be in this country in the great depression when italy and germany and the soviet union had abandoned capitalism and democracy. >> jon: the other incredible story is in some respects how kennedy to put it in stock parlance tried to short the allies and go long with hitler. like there is a certain sense that he was betting on hitler winning. >> he was convinced that if
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the united states got into the war, if we even got into the war by sending resources, money, supplies to great britain, the depression was coming back. >> jon: right. >> and mistake number one. mistake number two, he believed, maybe this is why businessmen shouldn't be in politics-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: it's over! romney didn't win it, it's okay. you can stop. >> but he was convinced that as a businessman he could negotiate anything. and if he could sit down across the table from adolf hitler and say adolf, what does germany need, i'll get it for you, just let the jews go. and stop this nonsense. take what you've got and let's go home. >> jon: he wanted the jews to be let go and was going to set them newspaper africa so he wasn't that far off.
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you can stick around for a little bit. we'll talk a little bit about the family. patriarch is on the book shelves now, a little bit more for the web, david nassaw.
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